“I’m not allowed to date. Ever.”

I was browsing Pinterest the other day, scanning baby girl clothes, which, as a mom of twin daughters, is often my habit to do, and I came across something that really bothered me.

“I’m not allowed to date. Ever.”

In further exploration, I discovered lots of little onesies and shirts similar to this one, many of which threw daddy into the mix with the statement that the no-dating decision was his command.

Now, I’m not a prude. I get it; it’s supposed to be a joke. But in my experience, jokes often veil truths, and this truth isn’t particularly funny; perpetuating the idea that a daughter is a possession of her father, instead of an independent individual isn’t amusing, it’s disturbing. And we are perpetuating it, by continuing to make and dress our daughters in these clothes. Considering the amount of women in the world today who are still being sold or set up in arranged marriages, or murdered by their fathers and brothers for pursuing unapproved relationships, or by their husbands for adultery, I fail to see how telling girls that we control their independence and sexuality is something to laugh about. Sure, perhaps it's just a onesie, and she's only a baby who can't read, so where's the real harm? Well to me, the harm isn't in her reading it as much as it's in the way you view her and may, as she grows, teach her to view herself. 

When you label your child, however innocently meant, as a possession of either of her parents, something very scary can happen: she can start to believe it. She begins to worry about being honest with her parents; "crush" and "sex" become bad words and secrecy begins. What may have been intended as an affectionate means to protect her is seen as a frightening bind that restricts her, and she either caves into it, or rebels against it. Both can produce equally damaging results. Maybe one day she will enter into a relationship where she believes she is under ownership of the man in her life, and allows herself to be beaten or otherwise abused by him; because of what she heard growing up, she does not believe she has the right (and certainly lacks the confidence) to speak out against it.

The truth is, there is an enormous difference between being protective of your child, and possessive, yet the line between these two is often blurred in our culture. As much as we proclaim we are a forward-thinking, equality-supporting society, the reality is that far too many parents are, while well-intentioned, guilty of trying to keep an iron fist around their children, and covering it under a mask of love. But it doesn’t work that way; in my experience, attempting to control your kids and their free will does not effectively show how much you care, but rather undermines their self-esteem and cripples their ability to make choices as an adult.

And this issue doesn't just cover girls, either, I must add; it isn't difficult to find onesies for boys with labels of mom being the only woman allowed in their life, a concept that is just as disturbing as the female version. Again: this isn't cute. It's a joke that more often than not masks a deeply-held truth, a fear of our children outgrowing us or stepping outside our control, and that is where the problem lies. 

So this is what I think. It is not my right, now or ever, to exert or imply that just because I gave birth to my girls that they are my possession. It is not okay to begin instilling in them from infancy the idea that sex, love, dating, and independence are a bad thing. If one day boys (or girls!) have a romantic interest in my daughters, and the girls choose to pursue these avenues, it is not my job, nor is it their father’s job to preach abstinence, or shame them for wanting to go on a date. What it is our job to do is openly and honestly talk to them about the realities and consequences of sex, and then allow them to make their own choices. It is our job to trust them so they will trust us, to let them make mistakes so they can learn from them, and be there to help them up when they fall. It is our job to love them unconditionally, to watch them make decisions we may or may not agree with, and teach them that their own two legs are more than capable of holding them up. And more than anything, it is our job to make sure that NO ONE, least of all us, gives them the impression that anyone other than themselves has ownership or control over their body and what they do with it. 

Maybe instead of shirts that say "I'm not allowed to date. Ever." We can start making ones that say "My parents encourage my confidence & free will!" Or how about: "Mommy and Daddy say I can date boys OR girls, as long as I'm happy!" Or perhaps, just keep it simple: "I am loved, unconditionally."

I'd say that would be a step in the RIGHT direction.